``...and during the War he worked with a secret unit that used sound effects to confuse Japanese troops in the Burmese jungles.''
Right then, you men. Settle down.
At 0800 hours sharp C Company will lay down a barrage of Cocktail Party Conversation as covering fire for the deployment of the forward party who will take the armour Piercing Screams to the enemy's barracks here... here... and here. You have Distant Tom-Toms and Stake Being Driven (Through Heart) which can be deployed as necessary to increase the dramatic tension. On no account must you be heard using the Overhead Flush for relief... we need to keep a certain element of surprise here.
At the same time, A Company will draw Johnny Foreigner's attention by a distracting manoeuvre with a Model T Ford (Cruising) and a fleet of assorted Norton and Triumph Motorbicycles (Revving). I'm sorry, men, but times are hard, and we cannot guarantee that they will all be in perfect running order, but I am sure you will be able to manage. If this does not prove sufficent you will have one issue of Flying Scotsman (Drawing Into Kings Cross), but there would be less danger of confusing ourselves if we can carry this off without Letting Off Steam.
B Company will then come around from the left flank with a herd of galloping coconut shells, followed by Jangling Harnesses and Wheels Rolling Through Gravel (At Speed). In your own time, I want you to deploy the Detatching of Limbers, Loading of Guns, and Bombardment (Seventeenth Century Canon). The quartermaster will issue you with standard Custard Pie (In Face) and Black Pudding (Hurled) and Batter Pudding (Bexhill) which are to be used in a mortar barrage at the discretion of the company commander.
And once Johnny Foreigner's throroughly confused, HQ Company will come in for the coup de grace with the Cylinder Lawn Mower; and I will slam the Taxi Door in the enemy's face. HQ Company can then come in with Clanging Pails, Water (Sloshing in Buckets) and cheerful Char Ladies (Gossiping) to mop up any remaining pockets of resistance. When it's all over, I have here an issue of Foaming Pint (Being Drawn With Handpump); so that's something to be looking forward too, eh?
Well, that's it. I want you to go Out There and put on a Jolly Good Show. Right, then, let's synchronise our turntables, and one last thing...
Good Luck men!